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After being assaulted, I briefly go viral again for my excellent jokes on panda swap. I think, or I’m afraid Kai* is dead. Also, Chinese cartoonists stripped me naked.
This non-fiction story is part of a series documenting my ongoing (mis)adventures. You can find previous installments on my Substack homepage. To receive weekly updates in your inbox, subscribe.
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Content warning: Crude, graphic depiction of sex. Death and rape threats.
Previously: Someone grabbed my shoulder. I spun around to find it was a police officer. Don’t you dare touch me, I warned, pointing a finger at him. You have no right to touch me. As I spoke, more hands seized me. Some tugged at my arms, one twisted my finger, and another gripped my neck. My feet left the ground. My wig flew off my head. In the moment I thought fuck martial arts. All that training, all the blood and sweat, and I ended up falling to the ground like an autumn leaf. Simultaneously I thought of Kai*.
This photo, taken by RFA photographer Lionel Chiou, captures the moment before my feet left the ground.
This issue starts here.
I took seven interviews in total that day. One of them was recorded in a Daily Mail article: “Channel Ten's The Project is under fire after Australian journalist Vicky Xu goes off-script in a foul-mouthed rant about pandas”.
Chinese-born Australian journalist and writer Vicky Xu appeared on Monday's night program to discuss Chinese Premier Li Qiang's current visit in Australia and his recent announcement of a panda swap at Adelaide Zoo.
Ms Xu is an outspoken advocate against human rights abuses in China and remains unconvinced about Beijing's so-called 'panda diplomacy' with countries including Australia.
She was one of the first journalists in Australia to shine a spotlight on the incarceration of Uyghurs in China.
Ms Xu was asked by panelist Sam Taunton if she was excited about Adelaide Zoo getting new pandas.
'I think... no, I am not... I am not,' Ms Xu admitted.
Ms Xu then dropped a bombshell about panda's breeding habits.
‘I think pandas … They're too lazy to f*** to the point that they're going extinct.’
Ms Xu's comment was met with shock and laughter by The Project hosts.
'I think they deserve what they have coming for them,' she continued.
Ms Xu then compared herself to the pandas.
'I think they deserve what they have coming for them,' she said.
'And look, look at this outfit...
I am so much cuter than those giant fat, non-f****ing pandas.'
This comment drew gasps and more laughter.
'Australia is so lucky to have me. And the pandas? We can let them go,' Ms Xu continued.
Here’s the video clip. I was very tired. I had been assaulted. This was the sixth interview I did that day, and when I arrived in the studio it was late and there was no makeup artist available.
I shared the news of me being assaulted by police in a group chat back in Taiwan. Friends were outraged. What I was looking for however, was Kai*’s rage, only that I was too proud to send him a personal message. I wished he’d call and yell and threaten to murder the bloody cops. I of course didn’t need him to kill anyone for me. All I needed was his rage. All I needed was to be assured that he was still there, still willing to protect me with his life. I waited to hear from him. A day passed, and another.
Both Kai* and I suffer from insomnia and nightmares. During the nights we shared we soothed one another with deliberate long breaths and rhythmic pats on the shoulder. If there was such a thing as soul our souls must have bonded and the bond must have stretched across continents and oceans. At my end of the bond I could feel his soul aching. I became convinced that something bad had happened to him. Maybe someone posing to be a buyer had stabbed and robbed him, leaving him bleeding dry in a ditch — one of his side gigs involved selling [product redacted] in the middle of the night. Maybe his ex-girlfriend finally followed through on her threat and cut him up with a machete. I messaged our mutual friends. Apparently he hadn’t been to his happy place, the gym, in a week, nor had anyone heard from him. He pulled a no show to one of his important gang meetings.
In other words, Kai* disappeared.
I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life. Still, this has to rank among the stupidest – 7,800 kilometers away from Taipei, I was crying out Kai*’s name in the middle of the night, like how they do it in Korean dramas.
While I was in Sydney, a friend let me stay at his holiday house. The place had a view of the ocean, so I hurled my panic and worries at the water from my friend’s kitchen. As the screaming took place I realized that in one corner of the living room there was what I thought to be a surveillance camera. The friend who lent me his house – there are few secrets I wouldn’t share with him. Still, I did not want him to see this side of me, shrieking Kaaaaaiiiiiiiiii* – Kaaaaaiiiiiiii* – Kaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii* over the kitchen counter and weeping. I climbed onto the couch and enveloped the camera with a tote bag. Then I yelled some more. The more I yelled the more I became convinced that Kai* was dead.
I blamed myself for leaving Taiwan. When Kai* dragged me back to bed, silently preventing me from packing, I briefly considered staying. If I had stayed, if I’d given him more time, maybe we’d be together. Maybe I could support him to get out of gang life. He said he wanted to. God knows this man deserves a good life.
*
The death threats arrived again, along with cartoons that literally stripped me naked. I wanted to show these to Kai*, but he’s probably dead.
So I turned to the internet.
June 22nd, 2024, I tweeted:
Latest cartoons we found in my comments - featuring me sucking DPP toes(?), engaging in sex work(?), taking drugs, and dancing with the devil
(DPP = Taiwan’s Democratic Progressive Party. It is represented by the color green.)
Also me - kicking away principles, being a worm inside the apple that is China’s human rights records, having rough sex with a well-endowed blonde man for money, and begging Tsai Ing-wen to let me into Taiwan while wearing a dog leash around my neck.
The next day, I took a screenshot of my Twitter inbox, which showed messages including the following:
You’re a maggot in the sewer. I’ll kill you – you dog, maggot in the sewer. Bitch. I’ll kill you, and feed you shit.
In the comments well-intentioned commentators urged me to close off my inbox, to stop engaging with trolls and wasting my time. They did not understand the context, which was that “I’ll kill you, and feed you shit” triggered an emotional response from me, not because of how vulgar or violent the threat was. It made me miss Kai*. As I grieved his potential death, everything reminded me of him.
(Previously, he threatened to kill and rape me. That interaction was recorded in the first issue of this newsletter.)
The same day, even more cartoons were posted to my Twitter page in the comment section. I tweeted:
Pro-China cartoonists using me to vent own sexual frustration
I guess I have no choice but doing a PowerPoint presentation of these cartoons at my next comedy show
The next day, more messages in my inbox from what looked like uniform porn accounts repurposed to become death-threat-bots.
Xu Xiuzhong (my birth name), the whispers you heard in the dead of night are my warnings to you. Running away is futile...
Xu Xiuzhong, your time is up. No one can protect you, no place to hide...
Xu Xiuzhong, the night will devour you. Every bad thing you have done will backfire on you. Your doom is approaching...
Xu Xiuzhong, do you think you can escape? I know everything about you, you can't escape from my palm.
Be more careful when you go out in the future, I will kill you when I see you.
When I see you, you piece of shit, I want to rush to you and kill you directly. I advise you to be careful.
My public response to these messages was “Hahahahhahahahah ok.”
Privately, the last sentence, “I advise you to be careful”, made me pause. Was this a threat or a genuine word of advice? All these messages were written in the same tone. Did a machine write them, or inmates in a prison?
(For context on “inmate commentators”, read Issue 5)
I wanted to tell Kai*: Now I know why I was unfazed by your death and rape threat. Whenever I appear politically active, i.e., when I post frequently on Twitter, I would receive messages like this. On surface level they’re really not very different from things you’d say. I’ve probably survived tens of thousands of death threats. At this point I am completely numb to them.
Threat: “The killer has gone to your house”
Me: Fake news, I don’t have one
Threat: “The whole family will die tonight”
Me: What is this, a very poorly produced horror show?
Funniest threat from that week:
Stay tuned for more next week.
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I pressed like to show solidarity. Not really a "like".
How utterly awful.
Gid bless and protect you Vicky
I am so disgusted for you, Vicky. Speechless of what you went through and are currently going through. And at the same time, so inspired by your strength, resilience, humour and openness.
I’m rooting for you wherever you are.